This Little Light of Mine

This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Let it shine Let it shine Let it shine

Are you letting your light shine? Are you using your skills, talents, attributes to impact the world positively? I'm not suggesting a grand act of kindness. Not by any means.

Often it is the subtle/little things we do that people remember the most. It can be a smile at a stranger, holding the elevator for someone ... Sometimes, our acts of kindness go unnoticed, even by us.

You don't need to start a charity to make a difference, or adopt a child from a third-world country ... there are myriad things you can do (at no monetary cost) that will affect a life in the positive or give you that warm sense of self-satisfaction. I have found that even things I have done for myself, the ways in which I have maximized my potential have in turn inspired someone to become their better self. And that is the greatest reward of all, for my actions to spur someone to positive action.

In A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Marianne Williamson explains that:

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A Real Man Or ...

Last week I sent a joke to a friend titled A Real Man Or .... It listed some great qualities and ended with, "No .. wait, sorry I'm thinking of wine" Read joke here.

It was the catalyst to a weekend long discussion, which included her mother, on the state of men, and male/female relationships in our generation.


Many things came up: Is there a man shortage? Are 'good' men a myth? What does it mean to be a man? How has socialization affected how males and females view each other? Role reversals

All the 'good' men are either married, gay or in committed relationships.

Or are they?

Even though I am known for verbalizing or thinking the above once in a while, I cannot attest to its truth. There are a lot of 'good' men, men who take responsibility for their actions, who are reliable, strong (emotionally); men who are leaders, respectful, honest, ambitious ...

So what's the problem?


1. Us. And by 'Us' I mean women I know many good guys, three of my best friends are guys. My best friend in high school was a guy. One of the persons I've been closest to is a guy. All sweet, loyal, handsome, intelligent, ambitious ... but I never liked them romantically. They were too soft/docile, too nice and quickly became permanent residents in the friend zone. And ladies, no eye rolls, we've all done this; put the good guy in the friend zone and pursue 'Mr Hot and No Brains' or 'Mr Hot and Insensitive'. What often happens is that by the time we're ready for Mr Nice Guy, he has already moved on to someone else or is scarred to the point of bitterness. He might start to think that women only want 'bad' men, and will change his personality.


2. Society/Socialization Here's the dilemma we face. Men are traditionally taught at an early age that to be a man one must be able to provide for, and protect one's family. A man has to be strong, unemotional (no tears, wimp!) and sexually adept. There's also the very real fact that a lot of the men in our age group, especially our Black men, grew up with no positive, strong male influences. Or the examples they saw were absent, irresponsible, unreliable and sometimes abusive. My friends and I have grown up in the age of feminism, the strong independent woman, the I-don't-need-a-man/I-can-do-bad-all-by-my-damn-self era. Another reality of our times is a significant reversal of roles. A lot more men are open about staying home, attending the domestic chores, taking care of the children, while their wife/partner works. There's nothing wrong with that. Statistics show that more women are attending post-secondary institutions, and are competing with men for top positions. Men are no longer the sole breadwinner. So obviously when these two collide ... chaos ensues.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Not really but it seems like it. There is a visible divide between what women want and what men think women want. The two sexes analyze situations differently, what may be a huge deal for her, will be insignificant to him.


3. He has a big ego. And no I don't mean that ego. This somewhat ties into number 2. Men are mainly ruled by their ego, their sense of self. Destroy that, destroy the man. The degree of security/insecurity determines his reaction to a situation. When a woman cheats on a man, what hurts deeply is not the infidelity, it's his wounded ego. What does the other man have or is capable of doing/providing that I can't? It's the fact that another man has had access to something that they hold valuable. I often laugh when I see a man who is known for 'running woman' crying over a woman who has cheated on him. Isn't it just a taste of his own medicine? Not really, cause while his actions may have lowered his credibility, this one cut deeper. Also, back to #2 again. Men are socialized into these role expectations: he must provide for and protect his family. If he is unable to do either of those (due to a woman's resistance, losing his job etc), he feels like less of a man.


When a man finds a woman with whom he can be his emotional self, he's complete. If she betrays that, his Self unravels.


So, what do we do now?

To facilitate change, to shift this paradigm, both sexes must first acknowledge the issue, and strive to work collaboratively. Men need to be taught that although, providing and protecting are admirable, they are also welcome to express themselves emotionally. Many times in attempting to raise strong men, we often ignore emotional strength. We instead teach them to be authoritative and physically robust.

'No (wo)man is an island' Ladies, we need to realize that as much as we strive to be independent, we need men. They have so much to offer.

Allow men to be vulnerable. There are so many good men out there. (In all colours and flavours ;) )

Manifesto (In Verse)

I am.
I am many things
I am the embodiment of grace and resilience
I am the Phoenix rising from the ashes of her past
Triumphant
I am the descendant of a great tribe of women warriors
Women who fought to be loved
To be respected
To be honored
To survive
I am
A daughter
A sister
A mother
A friend
A lover
A conqueror
I am woman!
I am …

Extra Treat: One of my favorite tracks off of Jill Scott's latest album The Light of the Sun

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal [adjective]
1. highly exceptional or prodigious
2. you

When I first heard this poem recited by Alfre Woodard in the movie Beauty Shop, I immediately searched for the original work. After that first read ... I smiled, then sighed, then chuckled ... finally, I was overwhelmed with a sense of pride and deeper appreciation for womanhood.

Dr. Maya Angelou is a phenomenal woman. Her effortless writing style has liberated many women. In the telling of her truth she has given other women the strength to speak out about their experiences and to open up to the joys of femininity.

I have said several times that I am who I am today due to the countless women who have impacted my life. Dr. Angelou is one of those women. I hope that you too are inspired by this literary work, and that you embrace the phenomenal woman that you are.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies

I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say

It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.


I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.


Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.


Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

What is a Phenomenal Woman?

Artwork of Dawn Okoro

"A phenomenal woman is purposeful and passionate. She is driven by her thoughts and makes her thoughts a reality. A phenomenal woman has imperfections. She is phenomenal for what she does with her imperfections; she is phenomenal because she is true to herself.

A phenomenal woman can be any shape or size. Creed, religion, age, sexual orientation, the family she was born into, or the colour of her skin do not matter.  

She is strong yet weak; she struggles with her own identity from time to time, but she understands that is all part of the game. She is true to her voice and to her inner self. She is resourceful and honest. She is brutal at times, forcing her way into the world’s reality.  

I have become a phenomenal woman because I am surrounded with phenomenal women who have left an imprint in my life.” 

From "Phenomenal Women: The Empowerment of YOU,” a book in progress by Loretta A. Cella, a troubled teen who has become an amazing young woman, life coach and advocate, and founder of The Passion Foundation

**Originally posted on Amazing Women Rock